I wasn't going to blog about this, but then after thinking about it more I realized that my blog is really for me, so why wouldn't I want to record my thoughts? I love reading through old blog posts, especially the ones from before I went to college, and then the ones from my freshman year. It's fun to go back and remember things, both happy and sad, from the past.
Chances are if you are reading this post, I'm not talking about you in it.
This week we had a Relief Society Activity where after a lesson on missionary work we decorated cookies that we could use as a missionary tool to talk to a friend or neighbor. It was a great activity, except that something someone said to me really bugged me. A new sister moved into our ward about a week ago and I had never met her. She has a nine month old and she made the comment that "after I had my baby, I realized it was really awkward to hang out with people who don't have kids. I just didn't know what to even say to them. I just want to talk about my kid all the time and they can't related." When I introduced myself to her about 10 minutes later she asked how old my kids were and when I said "I don't have kids yet" her face kind of dropped. She realized she probably had offended me.
I understand her point. It's really easy to talk to someone when you have something in common with them. But ya know what? I have this little group of friends. There are 4 of us. The other three each have a little boy between 15-22ish months old. I love hanging out with these girls. I absolutely love their sons. And it doesn't bother me at all that when we get together we tend to talk about their kids. We don't make it awkward because we don't have to make it awkward. I know they get together without me to have their kids play and that doesn't bug me. People do that when they have kids, they have play dates and go to playgroups. The great thing about my friends is that we all also love to cook, so we talk about food and normally get together to make/eat delicious food together. We could get together and just look at the pictures and read recipes from America's Test Kitchen cookbook and all would be well, except then we would be hungry and have to make something tasty to eat.
When we moved into our new ward (it's funny that I still call it our new ward, we've been here 7 months already) I realized I needed to branch out and make some new friends. It hasn't been easy, it seems like everyone in my ward has that same mentality as the new lady-people with kids just don't hang out with people who don't have kids. Or at least... people in my ward who have kids definitely don't hang out with me, or really talk to me a whole lot at all unless we work together in one of my callings. I was excited to realize that there were 3 couples without kids. Then one of them announced she is pregnant, another I know is pregnant but hasn't announced it yet, and the third I'm starting to think may be as well.
Somebody else at this activity asked me why I don't just get a job... I am in school, and I get migraines at least once a week. I'm afraid that if I got a job I would end up losing it because I get such bad migraines and wouldn't be able to work.
At some point (hopefully this point isn't too incredibly far away) we'll start having kids and then maybe I'll be able to have friends again. Hopefully in the meantime I'll be able to keep reading lots of books and make some good progress on my schoolwork.
9 comments:
Oh, this brings back memories! I did manage to make friends who had kids while we didn't have kids, but then I moved into another ward where kidless couples only hung out with other kidless couples. Then they became couples with one kid and they all hung out together. Then playgroups were started just for little girls. I couldn't seem to get the right amount or gender of children. There are a lot more ways to relate to other people though. I love that I was Yvonne's VT because we probably wouldn't have become friends otherwise. She has never been married and has no children. She's also over 20 years older than me. We get along so great! People have actually told her, "You should get married so we can invite you over." Huh?
Break the mold, Marci! :-D
Hmm...that is really too bad about the mentality there; and that it's affecting your ability to make friends (at no fault of your own I might add...who said we only have to hand out with people in the exact same situation as us)? I sort of think it should be the opposite, to tell you the truth... But, I'm sorry it's been so hard to gel in your new ward.
If it's any consolation, the same thing happens in my ward. The RS President and VT Coordinator purposefully conglomerate singles with singles, newly-weds with no children visit teach newly-weds with no children, and all the married with children visit teach each other. It fissures a ward in many ways. Maybe this is something you're supposed to help mend - one of the reasons God has you in that ward?
You're awesome. We don't have kids yet either, but if we did - I'd hang out with you as often as I could. ;)
I'm sorry! People should be more sensitive. You are such a nice person I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to be your friend. Kids or no kids, you are awesome!
Sandy
Boo on new lady. I'm glad you play with me even if my monster makes it hard to watch a full movie sometimes. You are wonderful and I'm glad we both love food and books. Let's talk about that.
Well since I am your BFF, I have no idea what you are talking about. :) But I struggle to make friends because of me. Not because a mentality that may or may not be present. I'm just not social enough to build bonds beyond seeing people at church. Since you notice and since you are thinking about it, its very possible that its a struggle that you will overcome. Good luck! And if I lived in Texas, I'd be your friend.
If you remember correctly I didn't work before I had kids. So many people had a hard time understanding this but for me it was also a health thing, we only had one car, and it was more important for Nathan to build his career than for me to try and go back to school where I wan't a resident. Anywho, I am very grateful for the time I got to spend by myself working on my homemaking skills before kids came along. I saw how difficult it was for my friends who went straight from the workforce in to being a stay-at-home mommy. For me it was smooth sailing because I was already used to being at home. I have never regretted my decision. :)
And there you have it. These ladies said it perfectly. I can't imagine that if we lived close, we wouldn't hang out a TON together. As it is, we spend a bit of time on the phone together. Hope your week of Jury Duty is a learning experience. If nothing else, you will have taken a ride on the San Antonio bus system!!!!
Your ward is lame. That kind of narrow-minded thinking will be very limiting to them!!
Being in my 30s, I value my friends from every decade! Two of my besties are in their 50s and I love them!
Oh, and even though it's nice to have friends, you'll always have sisters. Just saying.
Love you!
Your ward is lame. That kind of narrow-minded thinking will be very limiting to them!!
Being in my 30s, I value my friends from every decade! Two of my besties are in their 50s and I love them!
Oh, and even though it's nice to have friends, you'll always have sisters. Just saying.
Love you!
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